Bullying

[mom2lulu]

Anyone deal with bullying in middle school? How have you handled it? At what point do you go to the teacher/principal?
(Close family member who lives elsewhere is dealing with this right now..middle schoolers can be NASTY)

[JB79]

I taught 6th grade for many years in an elementary school.  While it's very different than a middle school, we had a few cases of bullying.  As a teacher, I wanted to to know right away.  There were a few instances where parents would say that the bullying had been happening for months, and they just wanted to wait it out and see if it got better.  If it's to the point that the parents are noticing, involved, or have been told (not super popular with middle schoolers) then it's time to involve the school.  The early teen years are such a tough time.  Ugh.
I always told the kids that it's better to get it out in the open because if the bully is picking on them, chances are there are other kids being picked on and feeling the same way.  If the parents have the support of teachers and the principal, I would ask that names not be used.  Our principal used to call kids in and say, cut this crap out without ever having to name anyone.
All you have to do is look at and read the news to know that bullying is very serious.  Kids are being beaten, raped, and even dying...it's nothing to mess with.

[MomPoppins]

We've been dealing with bullying -- in FIRST GRADE! My daughter was tackled on the playground and held on the ground by four kids with their hands over her mouth. They pulled down her pants and wouldn't let her move for most of the recess period. She came home with scrapes and cuts on her face. When we came home that day after dance class, we had "I hate you" written on our driveway.

Yes, I called the school immediately! Unfortunately, they didn't really do anything. They took away one recess for the offenders and they have the counselor come and talk to their classes about once a month. The bullying has continued, but nothing as severe as the first time. I've driven by the school many, many times and there is very little supervision on the playground, so I can see why it is happening. Since we felt that it was a problem with the administration not requiring enough supervision on the playground, we petitioned to transfer under open enrollment, and luckily our daughter was accepted at a new school district. We are crossing our fingers that things will improve at the new school.

I never thought we'd be dealing with this at such a young age. I don't even want to think about how bad it will be in middle school!

[mom2lulu]

MomPoppins, that makes me very sad to hear that is happening to your first-grader.

1. How can the school allow it?

2. What kind of knuckleheads are these parents? I know it's human nature for kids (and adults) to be catty and mean, but that is MEAN. What is going on at home that kids are acting this way in school?

[ReillysMom]

I am outraged reading your post MomPoppins.  That's not bullying--that's assault.  I would be insanely outraged.  I am so incredibly sorry that your family is dealing with this.

[MomPoppins]

Thank you for your support. Yes, we have been furious many, many times this year (as you can well imagine) and seriously considered pulling her out of school, but I just don't think I have what it takes to homeschool. We are very grateful that she was drawn from the lottery to go to a new school. Our frustration really came from the way the school handled things, though -- they give a lot of lip service to preventing bullying, but really aren't doing what is necessary to make sure it doesn't happen. And the way they handled my daughter when she came forward really made her feel even worse -- they kind of suggested that she was lying at first. Now when things happen, she is very reluctant to tell. In the end, I really think it comes down to the school's administration -- they have to have enough supervision that kids don't have the opportunity to hurt other kids and when things happen, they have to take it seriously. And yes, they have to call the parents and let them know what is going on, and then the parents have to take some action. Unfortunately, people just don't. We live in an area that is considered one of the "good" areas, in one of the school districts that is often mentioned first when people ask which is the best. I think people here think their little angels could never do such horrible things, but our experience shows otherwise.

[kittymama]

I follow Annie Fox, M.Ed (@Annie_Fox) on Twitter.She is an author, educator and online advisor for tweens, teens and parents. I have asked her to come weigh in on our discussion. She has registered on our forum and I am exited to see what tips she can provide us!

In the meantime, please check out her latest work: Cruel's Not Cool! We can change the cuslture of Cruelty by going to http://cruelsnotcool.com

And check back here to see what Annie can teach us!

Annie - can't wait to hear from you on our Momaha forum!

[melissa]

Have you called the parents? I would be so tempted to. I swear my daughter won't know what mean is until I find out she is ever a bully. Nothing is worse in my book.

[MomPoppins]

Have you called the parents? I would be so tempted to. I swear my daughter won't know what mean is until I find out she is ever a bully. Nothing is worse in my book.

The situation I described above happened the first month of school and my daughter didn't know who the kids were, or just knew first names (and we didn't have the school directory yet). We felt mostly okay when the school said that they would call the parents of the kids and handle it, but were gravely disappointed when our daughter said that they just missed one recess. We were even more disappointed when she would come home with stories about ongoing bullying -- but in the months after we reported the bullying, they stopped talking to our daughter, but she said they just went on to more kids. We talked to her teacher who told our daughter that she should come to her whenever she saw something. BUT when she would, she got in trouble for being a tattletale. I started driving by the playground during recess times and saw the problem -- teachers stand by the doors and don't walk around the playground, which allows kids to do bad things out of their sight. Brought this to the school's attention and was told that 1) teachers don't do playground duty, teachers aides do and 2) that they do the best they can. When winter came, my daughter would report being hit by snowballs with rocks inside. This spring, they've gone to poking and scratching people with woodchips from the playground until they bleed. There are a lot more stories, but I won't get into them all here. I am a Girl Scout leader and my troop members have reported the same things...which I have also said to the school, but nothing ever really happens.

And, to make matter worse, one of the biggest offenders (according to my daughter) is an administrator's child.

So, like I said, our answer was to leave the school. If adults won't take action, there's nothing I can do but remove my daughter from a dangerous situation. If we had not been picked for option enrollment, we probably would have considered legal action.

[nannylala]

i was always getting bullied in school, it was really hard to get up and going most days. when i talked to my mom about it, she would say something like sticks and stones..... just don't let it bother you. she was in the if you ignore it, it will stop catigory. it never stops. the best thing that i found mostly from my friends who had better advice from their moms was to stick with your friends and if it got really bad go to the ofice and see what could be done. the bad part about that is the one time we did go to the ofice they didn't do anything and the bullying got worse.  finally i got a really tough skin and either fought back or walked away. now i am very sensative to when things are negative, i deal with them the same way i have always dealt, but it is always a naging thing to me. the thing that i would advize is for all of you to try to keep comunication open for all of your kids and know that if you have one day where you really don't have time that is going to be the one day that they talk to you about bullying and they will think that you don't care if you tell them you don't have time. for a kid that has been bullied it is like the whole world is crashing down on you and it feals like no one cares, the one thing i wish i had back then was a mom who i felt had enough time for me so i felt like i had some one in my cornner.  stay involved and go with your gut on these issues, if you feel like you should talk to the big wigs do it, if you don't feel they are helping then find someone who will. bullying will not stop until all parents care and i don't see that happening for a long, long time.    mompoppins, even though it seems hard right now you are doing great for you daughter and she will always love you for having her back, she will know that she has you to turn to when or if this happens again.